What a waste of time it all is.
We search for meaning yet spend our time denying that we are searching or rejecting what we find, or worse, as leftists do, mocking the search itself.
You are White so you search.
The only meaning in your life may be a wall to be guarded in a far corner of the Roman Empire. This may not be enough to satisfy your wandering soul but rest assured it is enough to fulfill your duty.
So STFU and do it, whatever your duty may be. Your life needs less meaning and more duty.